Fear or fear itself...

     For the last few days all i have been thinking is fear and what it means or doesn't mean if that makes sense. When i get these thoughts in my head they are all but impossible to get out unless i hammer them with something. Years ago it was drugs and alcohol that did the trick but those days are long gone im happy to say. Now it seems im working myself half to death On a side note for those that don't think trucking IS in fact work ride with me for a month but i digress.
    I cant seem to let go of the past when i used to do this and its making me mental even more so than normal. (i know that's not the P.C. way to say it but im not P.C. never have been never will be)  When i look over and see my lil one my heart races and my mind thinks and its a volatile situation and one that makes me nutso if i may steal a word from the Fonz. She is the most willing girl in the world and here i am wasting her talents and for what?? Fear of hurting her? Well what about the fear of not HAVING her?? Ever think of that one???? i bet ya didn't.
   All i can do is my best and im not. She is tired of hearing words and quite frankly im tired of saying them so like the saying goes it either put up or shut up and i don't shut up easy. 
    Can you tell me why Chinese food is so expensive???
  

what was i thinking?

    So here we are in Montgomery AL. waiting until Tuesday to get my next load. We had all day to just relax and chill and do nothing and it should have been great but nooooo I showed up and all but ruined the whole entire day.'   
        the day was going great until late this evening when i got all pissy about something and yelled at her and it was for something small. So now i have made her cry once again and it seems that whenever i start to make progress in leading her through this life we have chosen i push her back and hurt her and it solves nothing.
    I cant for the life of me understand why i snap at the silliest things but that's just what i do. So if anybody has any ideas of how to stop that feel free to list them here. I'm all ears.
   All i know is that i have all but turned her away from me. She says that i haven't but this isn't  my first dance and i know when i have crossed a line and if i haven't crossed it im THIS close and its making me sick.
   On that note...wouldnt you like to see the coyote win just once???

one day here and the next day?

imagine waking up somplace and going to sleep in another place 500 or more miles away. try that for a sec ill wait.
   having fun yet? honestly there are times when i forget where i am and have to look at my log book to remember it. aint that somthin??
     having said that let me say this...i have heard it said that i am only a truck driver that the truck is to big and we have no business even being on the road. well let me let you in on a little somthinng...without me and people like me i.e. truckers you good people would have nothing. im not being sarcastic im simply staing the truth. think about it. take a walk around your house a take a good look.
   everything you see was at some point on a truck. from the carpet under your feet to the food in your stomach a truck brought it.
   so the next time you see a trucker how about doing somthing nice. i know what a shock huh/ but give it a try i cant hurt and will probably do alot of good. just go up  up to him or her and say thanks and then go about your business. or a kind wave instead of the middle finger kind.
   ya never know it just might catch on. afterall the rudeness and ignorance towards truckers sure caught on.
   is it just me or is bugs bunny an ass...

no sleep and expectations

as you may or may not know im a trucker and i travel the lower 48 states and in doing so im rarely if ever in the same place for more than a night. example. i picked up my load in green bay WI. and im now in Louisville KY. see what i mean? and it gets a little rough when i drive over 500 miles and then im expected to do other things while i exhausted. im not complain g im just saying that there are times when im so tired all i wanna do is sleep until i get through sleeping and that is rare in and of itself.
       i say all of that to say this. i love what i do and having my lil one with me is more of a blessing than i can ever put into words and the expectations do not come from her they come from me and i cant live up to them. i took on the responseability and it seems that i am letting her down at almost every turn and that is simply unacceptable to me so on that note i need to rest a bit before heading to florida so i will leave you with this...have ypu ever noticed that peter o toole has a double phallic name???

any answers?

since this is my 1st blog where to start? how about with the furor or as he is sometimes know the President. I'm sure hes a nice enough guy and loves his wife and kids and Elvis but he sure seems to hate America and its people. i have served in the USMC for 6 years long ago and it makes me sick to see a ,what amounts to a party planner, run this country into the ground and go blatantly AGAINST the will of the people. Most everybody i talk to are simply against this new health care packing that the ruling council has "deemed" needed for us and yet they continue to push it through like we cant think for ourselves. If anybody has an answer for that let me know im all ears.

     Not to mention his partner in crime,and yes it IS a crime. one nancy pulosi. i used lower case on purpose and i hope i spelled her name wrong she deserves nothing more. Explain to me how the senate well her to be precise can "deem" somthing passed having never voted on it. Dont we learn that a vote is needed to pass anything in like 4th grade social studies??

      These people have quadrupled the size of government in about a year and have increased the deficit by something like 2.5 trillion dollars,thats alot of zeros people. And all of this in about a year. Scared yet?? People say give him time and see what happens. hmmmm,any MORE time and we just might be so far in dedt that our great great grand kids will still be paying for it.

   Heres an idea. Lets ALL do what the constitution SAYS we can do and fire these people here and now.We might wanna do it soon before this party planner bastardizes the constitution so much that we no longer HAVE one.

   Just sickens me to have  a President who is a liar a thief a socialist and has ZERO respect for the American people. Now if you need a person to plan a block party hes your guy but if you want  a government "of the people by the people and FOR the people" then the furor is NOT your guy

   People wanted change when they voted him in well hang on folks...you have your change

   If i still have freedom of speech i will post more later and if not??...